Every one of us brings a lot to the table that contributes to the degree of conflict we experience with a partner, everyone, including our early attachment patterns, psychological defenses, and critical inner voice about ourselves and others.
We fight because we are not getting what we need from our partner. The trouble with the argument is that they don’t work. I’m not talking about healthy debates of great ideas; I’m talking about ‘real-time argument’.
Some do it overtly by yelling at each other while others do it covertly by avoiding contact and conversation.
Whatever the method, the result is the same – hurt feelings and disenchantment. While fighting in a relationship is normal, fighting consistently is an invitation to chaos. And if handled poorly, could end the relationship altogether.
Knowing how to stop a fight from escalating can help you and your partner work things out in a more calm productive way and as well increase your bond as you begin to understand each other better.
Here are a number of ways to guide you on how to stop fighting in a relationship or at least control the endless bickering:
How To Stop Fighting In A Relationship
1. Be Vulnerable And Talk About Your Feelings
Most problems come from one thing; our expectations of others to meet one of our “needs” which are actually “wants”. And sometimes, it can be easy to assume that our partner knows what we are thinking, especially if you’ve been together for forever.
When we are resistant to admitting what we feel or asking for what we want, these feelings stack up, and if you stuff your feelings long enough you will explode and say or do things that you’ll regret which could permeate the relationship.
So, instead of shutting down or blowing, we can seek to maintain a steady stream of honest and vulnerable communication about what we feel and what we want. You need to be realistic too.
Coming clean about our feelings or issues and laying it all out on the table forces us to work through those problems more appropriately and maturely – so that nothing is weighing on our mind throughout the relationship, and that could be a giant step on how to stop fighting in a relationship.
When you and your partner can approach the situation as it happens and deal with it safely, it may even not get to the point of becoming an argument. So why not make an effort to keep the channels of communication open? It’s a certain step on how to avoid arguments in a relationship.
2. Cool Down
In the heat of the moment, it’s very hard not to be reactive. We may react in ways that don’t fight the situation, and in fact, often escalate it.
However, there’s a good reason that five minutes after a fight, we feel more rational and regretful. And this could be a hint for us to check ourselves.
When you feel yourself flare up in anger, choose silence until you feel calmer and have thought about your situation thoroughly; that’s the best tip on how to disengage from an argument.
If the argument becomes too heated, step away for a while and regain your perspective. Allow your mind to cool down by taking a walk or spend some time alone. Head to separate rooms and chill out with some TV or a book.
Even something as simple as stepping away for a glass of water or practicing a calming breathing exercise can help you gather your thoughts and return more quickly to an emotionally neutral state.
This allows you to weigh your partner’s position, giving you a greater opportunity to find common ground without creating hurt feelings and anger. In order words, by backing off at the right moment, you can avoid a fight that could have turned into something much bigger.
3. Stop The Blame-Guilt Approach
One of the easiest ways on how to stop fighting in a relationship is to stop accusing your partner of being the problem.
Sometimes you feel guilty about something and find a way to blame your partner for it. This can cause your partner to explode.
We have to let go of the concept of blame and substitute it for responsibility. Making the conversation about your feelings rather than your partner’s actions is a more compassionate way to communicate.
Instead of using “you always”, “you never”… try to use “I” statements. Using words like “always, never”, and absolutes like that are not only an exaggeration of the truth but also remove focus from the actual subject matter.
It implies that your partner is 100 percent bad 100 percent of the time. And that can hurt. Your partner will feel judged, accused, and violated. But with the use of “I” statements, non-judgemental emotions are expressed.
For example, rather than saying ‘you never listen to me’, try saying, ‘I feel like I’m not being heard when I talk to you’. This will mean your partner is less likely to feel like they are being attacked, and you will be taking responsibility for your own emotions.
Also, using the right tone changes everything. It helps to open up a conversation and a better approach to your partner’s response because you make them feel respected while trying to convey your point.
And this can make all the difference as it is a very important step on how to stop arguing with your girlfriend.
4. Dodge Getting Defensive Right Away
It’s normal and natural to want to become immediately defensive when a fight erupts. You may feel attacked, wronged, or blamed for something you didn’t do, and that makes you boil.
But the truth is that learning how to stop fighting in a relationship entails that you have an open heart towards discussions and matters arising.
Instead of waiting for your partner to say something wrong, and being focused on defending, reacting, or counterattacking, make your goal to understand them, regardless of whether you agree or disagree.
Listen actively and aim at understanding why their point of view is important to them, and be honest with yourself.
Ask strategic questions that provide clarification when you are unclear about something. When our entire focus is on self-defense, no matter what we do, we can’t open ourselves enough to hear our partner’s words accurately.
But when we listen and attempt to understand the other person, then we are halfway past the damaging effects conflict may have on us and our relationships. The best step on how to stop arguing with your spouse is to stop being defensive.
5. Stop Swearing
One of the fundamental elements that aggravate arguments is the use of swear words and profanities. Even calling someone stupid or silly in the heat of the moment can cause a lot of damage to your relationship. Here are 10 Hurtful Words To Avoid No Matter What!
No matter how heated things get, one very useful way on how to stop fighting in a relationship is that you adhere to the principle of “no name-calling”, (to bring the other person down to get on top of the argument) “eye-rolling” or “biting sarcasm”.
The potential to cause scars is enormous when you do such (it’s too easy to say things that cannot be taken back).
So, whenever you are trying to solve a problem with your significant other, it would be more appreciable to refrain from using hurtful language, rhetoric, and sarcasm. The argument should be about a situation or an obstacle, not the person.
6. Apologize
As we were taught back in kindergarten, the word “sorry” is a magic word because it has a calming effect on any ugly situation.
However, in today’s reality, many people are reluctant to apologize, fearing that an apology is an admission of guilt and an acceptance of complete responsibility.
This view unfortunately often makes the problem worse. An apology can be defined as, the acknowledgment of, and responsibility for one’s part in a situation expressed with understanding and empathy.
It is acknowledging that you have both been hurt; you still care and are there for your partner and that you do want to heal from the argument. It shows remorse and allows you to let your partner know you are not proud of what you did.
More so, in doing this you have to know your partner enough to tailor your apology to their needs – some people want big gestures and some people want something as simple as “I’m sorry”, “I apologize”, or “I regret my actions”.
Once you’ve reached an understanding, a great way on how to stop fighting in a relationship, or to end the argument is to apologize by saying, “from now on, I’m going to (how you plan to change your behavior) so I don’t (your offense).
For example, “I apologize for yelling at you. I will control my emotions and won’t yell at you again”. Do your best to follow through this promise, otherwise, your next apology will feel less sincere to your partner regardless of how sorry you feel.
Apologizing can be one of the ways to Improve Relationship Emotional Intimacy.
7. Learn To Forgive
One easily spoken of, but difficult to implement skill on how to stop fighting in a relationship is to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to excuse your partner’s behavior or pretend an event didn’t happen.
Forgiveness means a conscious decision and a practice of letting go of your anger, hurt and letting go of the “moral high ground”. It means changing your feelings, desires, thoughts, and actions toward your partner and releasing the feeling of resentment.
When we hold on to these things (hurt, pain, resentment, and anger), chances are good that this won’t really make us feel better.
But forgiveness frees us to live in the present, relieving us from any pain we might have been entangled in. Not to forget that the saying is “forgive and forget”, not “forgive and hold a grudge” so why hold a grudge!
8. Compromise
Most relationships end because the people involved in it do not understand the exact meaning of the word ‘compromise’.
At some point in time, you and your partner will, maybe, have a different approach and opinion or wish about life and its issues, and then you may need to compromise.
A compromise is coming together and finding a solution agreeable to both parties and learning to compromise is an important gadget on how to stop fighting in a relationship, because it creates an avenue for open communication in the relationship and figures out each other’s priorities regarding decision-making.
It shows that you have a common goal in mind – a healthy partnership, rather than your singular happiness at heart. In order words, the relationship itself is more important than being ‘right’ all of the time or always getting your way.
If you and your partner stick rigidly to your desired outcome, the fight may probably just keep running in circles.
So, give your partner a chance to see that you are a mature person, and demonstrate your concern for their needs, and your willingness to meet some of these needs through cooperation.
Anyone who has ever grown in a relationship will tell you it’s much better to take this route than the alternative.
How To Stop Fighting In A Relationship – Recap
Like earlier said, arguments are part of the relationship package (which can help to increase the level of intimacy between couples) but to let them rule your relationship is an invitation to a worst-case scenario.
Just because fighting can be common doesn’t mean it cannot be avoidable, so to further curb these (conflicts) or stop the fight, the already outlined cues should be enlisted in your Daily Relationship Routines to Become A Better Spouse.
Do not forget to give a feedback on how these processes worked for you. I’ll be waiting for all your comments below. Ciao and thank you!
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