I bet you can think of a few hurtful words in a marriage that you’ve said and have later come to regret. It is no doubt that words are a very powerful tool and should be treated and used as such.
Hurtful words in a relationship said during a fight, out of anger, or simply to spite your partner is bad and tops the list of regrets most persons have concerning their spouse.
Saying hurtful things to someone you love may be difficult for that person to forgive you, so you shouldn’t say them at all.
Inasmuch as we are free to express our feelings and communicate them when we feel we are not being treated right, we should also mind what we say in the heat of times. Because saying hurtful things in a relationship at any given moment can’t be taken back; you can only apologize later.
And constantly saying words that hurt feelings and apologizing is one of the toxic signs in a relationship, so you should desist from it.
A lot of people think that the word “sorry” is an eraser that can erase every hurtful thing that has been said from the mind of the victim. I’m sorry to burst your bubble but it isn’t! That is why I prefer preventing saying such words than actually saying them and then apologizing later.
Understanding your spouse and yourself better will be key to prevent saying hurtful things to someone you love or making them your dumpsite for all your frustrations and anger.
I remember in the early days of my marriage, “I regret marrying you”, “I regret ever saying YES” and “I regret saying ‘I do’” were my most frequently used hurtful words and phrases. And whenever I said these words to my husband, I could literally see his face fall, and most times the color drained from it.
This scenario happened a couple of times until we talked about it and he made me realize what I was doing to him as he found it difficult to relate to me and was constantly walking on eggshells around me.
Hurtful words in a marriage can leave a lasting impression and throbbing pain in the hearts of your spouse if not properly dealt with. Today, we’ll be exploring a list of those words and phrases that should be avoided.
1. I Regret Marrying You
This tops my list of hurtful words to say to someone especially a husband, boyfriend or spouse. When your spouse says hurtful things or you say them to him or her, you deplete their self-worth and make them feel like a failure or that they made a wrong choice.
Even when things and situations around you make you feel like you made a mistake (because those times will come), just take a deep breath to calm your nerves. Avoid saying things in those moments because they may come out very hurtful and you’d never be able to take them back.
The effect of saying “I regret marrying you” could run deeper than saying sorry because it can literally push your man away.
He will feel rejected and could end up finding solace in an affair or even end up divorcing you so you could be happy and not have “REGRETS” as you insinuated. There are also several other reasons for divorce you should check out if you want to avoid them.
Also telling your man you regret marrying him could make him doubt your feelings or love for him. He might begin to feel you didn’t love him in the first place and that you married for other ulterior motives.
So, if you truly love your man, avoid telling him “I regret marrying you” at all cost because you can never tell the effect it may have on him. I was lucky that mine pointed out how it made him feel because that was the turning point in me minding what I say to people I love especially my husband.
The most dreaded “D” word – DIVORCE. It’s one of the most hurtful words in a relationship and should be avoided at all costs.
Before I got married to my husband, this word was among the words we promised each other not to use lightly in our relationship.
It is literally in our black book because saying it is like throwing down the third rail. You shouldn’t touch it. You shouldn’t say it unless you mean it. And you definitely shouldn’t use it as a tool to get your partner’s attention.
A marriage can only work if divorce isn’t an option because it will make both of you more committed to the relationship.
Having the “D” word on the table opens a back door. It simply sits at the back of your mind that you can leave anytime and you shouldn’t be leaving anytime soon if you really want it to work.
Saying the divorce word either as a threat, joke or to get your partner’s attention is bad and should be avoided at all costs. Because once you throw it out there especially in anger, it’s like a bell has been rung and you can’t unring it.
Telling your spouse you’ll divorce him or her simply tells them that you’re not in it for the long run, not committed to the relationship and they don’t mean much to you if you can give them up at any time. So, avoid this word at all costs!
3. I’m Done
There was a time when my husband used to say this especially if we were having an argument or discussing certain topics he probably didn’t want to venture into. And I never quite understood what he meant by “I’m done”. Does that mean he’s done with the conversation, done putting up with me, or done with the relationship.
Those simple two words phrase always puts my mind in a spin whenever he utters it because telling me “I’m done” could be synonymous to saying “I’m leaving you” which could also run back to that dreaded “D” we banned.
Hearing that hurtful word always made me feel like he’s trying to pass hidden information and that I wasn’t good enough if he can’t stick it out with me.
The word felt like a trigger to the “D” to me and I had to bring it to his notice. I had to communicate to him properly how I felt about the word. You can learn how to communicate properly in 7 simple steps here.
He explained to me that what he meant most times was that he was going outside to clear his heard or just wants to continue the conversation some other time and not now.
I suggested alternate phrases he could always try saying instead of “I’m done” and to just plainly say what he meant most times and not “I’m done!” We also banned the “I’m done” word as it was a trigger for me and could be interpreted as wanting a divorce.
4. You Are Not Like My Ex
“You are not like my ex” or “you are not like (insert name)” is one thing a spouse should never say to their partner. Your partner may have flaws because we all know no one is perfect but there were good qualities you saw in him/her before you decided to walk down the aisle. Why on earth would you be comparing the supposed love of your life to an old flame?
That in itself is demoralizing and shows that you either don’t love your partner as much as you claim or you’re still in love with your ex. If you’re never of the above then you shouldn’t say such hurtful and disrespectful words to your better half. It’s one of the signs of disrespect in a relationship.
5. If You Loved Me, You’d Understand
That statement alone is manipulative and shouldn’t be said to a partner. ‘If you loved me, you’d understand” is said mainly when you’re trying to get your ways or make your partner do certain things they don’t want for you.
Manipulative people also use it when they’re trying to cover up something or don’t want to explain certain incriminating things or things done with a bad judgment.
They try to play the understanding card to get their partner to succumb to their will or to compromise their values for you. Manipulating people no matter how and especially with some things you say is bad and wicked in itself.
Instead of manipulating your partner through hurtful words to say to your boyfriend, why don’t you just ask for their help when you need it. Don’t emotionally blackmail them. It’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
6. You Are Such A Failure
This is one of the words a partner never wants to hear from their soul mate. You are supposed to build your partner up not tear them down. You are supposed to be their anchor not unfasten them. You are supposed to be their greatest cheerleader, not their loudest adversary.
Saying such words like “you are such a failure” to your partner, no matter the circumstances surrounding his success, in rage or anger can be mentally destabilizing. It can push your partner into depression and if not treated, you won’t want to have the consequences on your hands.
Instead of saying such demoralizing words, you should build your partner up with some loving words especially the words men wants to hear.
7. Your Mother Is So…..
No matter the fit of rage you are in, your spouse’s parents and children shouldn’t be brought into it. That’s just a low blow that isn’t worth the risk. It’s hard recovering from denigrating parents and children, even if it was in the heat of an impassioned argument.
Saying statements like “your kids are lazy”, “your mother is so dirty”, ‘your mom is the worst”, “your parents drive me nuts”, etc is just not acceptable no matter what.
You are allowed to speak unfavorably or badly about your own family just as your partner has that same freedom when it comes to theirs, but neither is allowed to speak negatively about each other’s family.
Even if they agree with your sentiments (rarely), they will always defend their family and if you make that a habit of insulting them, it will just be hitting a blow below the belt.
8. You Always….
“You always mess up”, “you always let me down”, “you always prioritize your friends over me” and many more you always statements are hurtful words and should be avoided.
“You always” and ‘You never” are absolutes that are rarely true and shouldn’t be said to a partner. Instead of using them, try sticking with facts that will give you an honest way of talking about what’s bothering you without making your partner instantly defensive.
For example, instead of saying “you always prioritize your friends over me”, try saying “I noticed that you’ve seen your friends three times this week, but we haven’t even scheduled a date night yet”.
Instead of saying “you never cook dinner”, try saying “I’ve cooked dinner every night this week”. These alternatives are not hurtful statements and subtly tells your partner your anger without pointing fingers.
9. You’re Fat /You’ve Gained Weight
This is one of the hurtful words in marriage about appearance that shouldn’t be said in anger to your spouse especially your wife who is the mother of your kids.
That fat body carried and nurtured another human in it for nine months who you’re proud to say that’s my child. That fat body gave you your most precious title of FATHER.
Telling your spouse “you’ve gained weight” is damaging because it hits straight to their self-confidence, self-esteem, and will make them self-conscious in and out of the bedroom.
If you’re legitimately or really concerned about your partner’s health, a better way of addressing it is to suggest things like eating healthier together, working out together, or going on long bike rides together on weekends.
Subtly joining your partner on their weight loss journey will encourage them to make healthy living a lifestyle and you won’t be hurting anyone’s feeling with some ill-thought words.
10. I Don’t Care
Being in a loving relationship means CARING no matter what. Telling your partner otherwise by saying “I don’t care” can make them feel worthless because if they had real value to you, you’d care about them, their feelings, and even opinions.
Saying “I don’t care” can trigger a deep fear of abandonment in most people and if you love your spouse, you should be their safe haven not their source of fear.
Avoid telling your partner that you don’t care, it might be a sign that you don’t love them anymore or that your relationship is coming to its end.
Every good and strong relationship is built on a good communication foundation. And words are the bedrock of any communication.
If we’re to have the best kind of relationship or marriage, we should mind our words spoken. Words are tools and weapons; they can be used to build or destroy. How we use them is what matters!
Using words of gratitude and encouragement can build our relationship and strengthen our bonds but using hurtful words like the ones mentioned above can tear down our relationships.
You might see them as no big deals but as little and trivial as they seem, they poke holes in our bonds. And holes are holes no matter the size.
So I urge you to avoid using such words no matter the circumstances surrounding you. If you feel like you must talk, take a deep breath and walk away, then pick up the conversation when you’re rational and calm.
These words mentioned are not the only hurtful words to avoid or the most hurtful. I want to hear more from you that we should avoid in the comment section below.
Pin this for later!