The big day has arrived! You walk down the aisle, you and your significant other say “I do”. There’s a great celebration, and finally, you leave.
Now, you both begin the journey of a lifetime together, you are in your first year, the feeling is still fresh but you seem to understand why it feels weird as though your life is changing. It actually is!
Usually, the first year of conjugal life comes with its own unique set of sweetness and challenges. It is a year of transition, of adjustment (especially for couples who did not live together prior to marriage).
In addition to merging their lives, couples also adjust to each other’s annoying habits. The good news is that this tough first year doesn’t last forever. Couples settle down and get used to the marriage and most go on to have many easier, less bumpy years after that. But to scale through this; here are some marriage lessons and tips for newlyweds;
20 Marriage Lessons From My First Year (Tips For Newlywed)
1. Equality Is Not 50/50, It’s 100/100
This is one helpful marriage lessons from my first year. Don’t consider marriage as a 50/50 affair. It doesn’t make any sense. You can’t spend your time calculating “50 percent in, 50 percent back”. The attitude has to be the one of giving freely.
A 50\50 relationship implies that you are keeping score of every deed you do; ‘you do this, then I’ll do that’ manner. What of the days when he/she would come home from working 12 hours; would you really expect him\her to cook dinner because you did the night before?
Or the times they are weak or sick, will you have him/her sweep the house, do the dishes, or clean the toilet? Absolute not! You have to give your hundred percent, your everything; I mean your entirety into your marriage. Remember, this is your marriage, your very own marriage! Do not ever forget that the marriage is yours.
2. Some Things Don’t Change
One of the marriage lessons I learned from my first year is that some things don’t change. It’s so annoying when people say to a couple “oh, wait until you get married, it will all change then”. That’s a big fat lie.
While it’s true that turning the person you’re dating into a legal partner does affect certain things but it’s not like it’s a complete 180-degree spin that changes everything in your life. It doesn’t automatically happen.
Those who expect marriage to be a cure-all for all your relationship woes are sorely mistaken. Marriage will not change your spouse.
It will not make him or her more matured, more loyal to you, hardworking, or better at house works, or it will not change them from the habits of gambling, smoking, getting drunk, or being abusive. Things only change as much as you allow. It has to be a personal decision with determined efforts.
3. Understand Each Other’s Love Language
This note on marriage lessons is so important because we love differently and receive love differently. Identify each other’s love language as laid out by Dr. Gary Chapman.
Your love language profile will explain your PRIMARY love language, what it means, and how you can use it to connect to your spouse and to encourage fondness and admiration in your relationship. Whether it be ‘Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, or Physical Touch.
4. Communicate
This is one of the timeless marriage lessons that help lay the solid foundation your marriage would need. In any relationship, good communication is key. It is important you learn how to communicate in a kind and respectful way with each other.
Talk about your day. Sharing your everyday experiences can help both sides enhance intimacy. Communicate your needs both physical and emotional, never assume your partner already knows what you intend, he/she can be a lot of things but certainly not a mind reader.
Talk about babies; whether or not they are happening, and when. This year? Next year? In five or ten years? Don’t just let it hang in the air. When both people know what they want from the relationship and feel comfortable expressing themselves, it creates a strong bond of trust.
One of the best advice my mom ever gave to me was “marry your best friend, not your best lover.” You can discuss all and anything with your best friend but not your best lover, so, make your spouse your best friend!
5. You’ll Have Disagreements
Despite your best intentions, you are going to hurt your spouse, because you are both human, both different; raised in different families, and with different “normal”.
Expect darker sides of your partner to come up after marriage. What you know about your spouse before getting married may just be the tips of the iceberg (in a very non-threatening way).
Also, sometimes, what you found cute in the beginning might start to annoy you. The snorting he/she does when he/she laughs. But that’s marriage! Sometimes you got to suck it in. Don’t overreact, there’s no point in that, it doesn’t matter who’s right.
The most important thing is that you can work together to find the right answers. Each of you will be right or wrong at different times, you can’t keep score or let the details get the better part of you. Just try to look for ways to better improve yourselves.
Compromise can also be very effective. Learning to forgive and compromise is among one of the best marriage lessons.
6. Listen
It’s so easy to get distracted these days! So, it’s important you put that phone down when your spouse is talking. Listen to your partner and know when to ask if your spouse wants help brainstorming for solutions to problems and when they just need to talk about something.
This helps to strengthen the relationship. If your spouse says ‘the music is driving me crazy’, don’t ask what kind of music they want to listen to. Just turn off the damn speakers. Listen to your wife while she is getting her hair done. Don’t tune out the rant about her boss.
You don’t need to offer any advice, all you have to do is listen. Listening is one of the marriage lessons you might need to avoid the dreaded D-word down the line. So, try listening more today.
7. Do Not Go Out Of Touch
There’s something very basic and powerful about a loving touch. It is a powerful, non-verbal form of communicating with each other more deeply. It conveys a sense of care, compassion, and in some cases, consolation.
The key to long unions is to touch each other every single day. The touch can be as simple as a gentle rub on the back, a peck on the cheek, a soft touch on the shoulder, holding hands, cuddling, and so on.
You’ll find out that just a hug will be enough to calm you down, in both good and bad times. So, quite literally again, touch more and often.
8. Don’t Make Hasty Decisions
Decision making is one of the marriage lessons that shouldn’t be treated with laxity. Hasty decisions often lead to more problems.
Certain situations are better handled with a thorough thought process and intensive research, even if doing so means a delayed decision. Decide by weighing up the pros and cons.
Ask yourselves these questions, ”does this need our immediate attention?” Is this worth it? What if it doesn’t go as planned, are there alternatives?
One impulsive decision in your marriage can mean finding yourselves in a hole that you can’t easily climb out of which may bring too much weight and stress to your marriage.
For example, money is one of the easiest areas of life where impulsive decisions can get you in serious trouble. It can be easy to have a light-hearted attitude about money.
After all, you can always earn more. But debt is no joking matter when it can follow you wherever you go and take decades to pay off. So you both be extra sure you want to take a loan out to buy a house right away.
9. It’ Up To You
Just like too many spices spoil the soup, so do too many pieces of advice spoil the marriage. Too many advice coming in from family, friends, neighbors, colleagues, and others, is definitely not what you need.
These persons may come up with different ideas on what your marriage should be and how it should go. In such advice, there may be a multitude of lies and unverified statements and you may allow wrong ideas to form in your head.
But the truth is, that isn’t their responsibility at all! The power resides solely with you to figure out what works for you. Remember that whatever advice they give is only from a portion of their own experiences or speculations.
It’s up to you to create yours, not forgetting that whatever you call your marriage, that’s what your entirety (consciously, subconsciously, and unconsciously) is programmed to give out and that what your marriage would be called.
And however you choose to build it, that how it would be. So what’s going to be? Good or bad? Pleasant or unpleasant? Admirable or pitiable? It’s entirely up to you.
10. Schedule Time To Connect Daily
We as humans grow and change. If we don’t take time to connect with each other, that’s where the growing apart starts. Keep love alive in your relationship by sharing intimate time every day, even the smallest, most everyday moments can feel celebratory because they’re shared.
Be playful and have fun together. For example, you can play a game together, have a glass of wine or a cup of tea together. The lazy nights watching your guilty pleasure T.V shows or eating your favorite chocolates are everything.
As a way of connectivity, it is also good to focus on new dates and sharing new experiences. Going to new restaurants and trying new things will keep your dates feeling fresh. When you spend time together, you bond, you grow in love, and you are able to support each other when you need it.
11. Laughter Is Good
Laughter plays extremely important roles in our relationships. It can create the same chemical bond as intimacy, and fill your home with sweet aura, fills out all the potholes in your road, and strengthen your friendships.
Laughter can give added relief by assisting people, at least temporarily, with becoming distracted from physical and emotional pain, fear, anxiety, other bad feelings, and also from life’s problems and difficult situations. By infusing laughter into your days, you’re sure to lighten things up.
12. Marriage Is A Two-Way Thing
Maybe before you got married, you were probably accustomed to doing whatever you wanted or needed to do for you, but when you get married things have got to change.
Now “I” has become “we”. It’s no longer all about you, neither is it all about your spouse, it’s all about the relationship and how to work it out till the end.
This doesn’t mean that personal projects should be forgotten. But for the relationship to work, before making a decision or planning something that can change your lives, you must think about the “we” factor.
Marriage is about sacrifice. There will be times when you will have to give in to please your significant other. There will be times when you will give your spouse your last. And there will be times when you will have to put your spouse’s needs before yours.
So try not to feel sad about those times, it’s part of the marriage lessons I have learned and so far so good, it’s been worth it.
13. Never Disrespect Your Spouse
It’s funny how we often show more respect to a stranger than we do to our spouse, who is supposed to be our favorite person in the world.
Respect means that you accept somebody for who they are, even when they’re different from you or you don’t agree on some issues with them. It means trusting your partner and treating them the way you want to be treated. So stop all nagging and treat them respectfully when you speak, even when angry.
Treat them like a priority and not an interruption. To be respectful to each other also include little things such as saying please when passing the salt, rather than just demanding the salt, or being authoritative about it.
Remember that he/she is a replica of you and if you don’t respect them, others won’t. Respecting your spouse is one of the crucial marriage lessons.
14. Patience Is Golden
Patience matters because people can be annoying, frustrating, and painfully disappointing. We are humans, so it’s absolutely okay to make mistakes, learn from them, and move forward.
This, in fact, teaches us patience. And from patience comes resilience to feel everything without the negatives getting to you. Also, fully integrating your life, this first year can be somehow awkward. Bank accounts and credit cards and mortgages, and leases, and it goes on and on.
Figuring all that stuff out takes time, patience, and effort. Remind each other that you’ve got plenty of time to grow together and that you are here to stay forever. This reminder will help teach you both patience in uneasy times.
15. It’s Okay To Go For Couple Counseling
If your marriage is having problems or you feel you cannot deal with the bit of tension in your marriage, it’s alright to seek help. Couple’s counseling isn’t a terrible idea.
What you cannot say to your spouse at home, you might be able to do so with a counselor. It helps you resolve matters; whether it be finances, intimacy, communication, scheduling, or any other issues that you and your spouse are having.
It’s a safe place to vent, just seek someone who is matured and wise, not someone who will turn it into a gossip column. Professional help is usually advisable. Through marriage counseling, you gain a better understanding of each other, and you can make thoughtful decisions about rebuilding and strengthening your relationship.
16. Say “Thank You”
It’s so easy to notice the flaws in your spouse and take the virtues for granted. We need to throw out this recipe for resentment and make a habit of expressing gratitude instead. Thank each other for your individual roles and tasks.
Say “thank you” for the values that you both bring to each other’s lives. Be grateful for what your partner does for you.
Express how grateful you are for every effort whether little or great; “thank you so much for picking up my favorite ice-cream when you were at the store”, “thank you so much for occupying papa Brown while I took a nap”.
Even a simple text message saying ‘thank you’ can go an incredibly long way. Choosing to see things in your partner that you can be thankful for is one super strong marriage lessons for connectivity and a powerful step towards falling more deeply in love.
17. Forgive Fast
Practicing forgiveness is one good example of marriage lessons that can never fade up. It is practically impossible that we haven’t made a mistake or wounded each other at some point in time. When this happens, be quick to forgive them.
I’m not saying that you don’t have a right to feel angry or be upset, but don’t let it carry on. Scientists who study forgiveness have long agreed that it is one of the most important contributors to a healthy relationship. And that couples who practice forgiveness are more likely to enjoy longer, more satisfying romantic relationships.
They show more behavioral regulation, and positive motivation towards their partner, which means that instead of having a grudge, they actually drop the case, releasing them from guilt and shame that may take root in one’s heart when not dealt with over time.
18. Always Say “I LOVE YOU”
Couples who are in love understand how important it is to never let these special “sweet words” die. I don’t care if you’re mad, I don’t care if you have to say it through your teeth, or through whatever means just say ‘I love you’.
Saying these cute little three words never gets old. You can’t say them too often, and it doesn’t become any less important just because you make it a routine.
These words have a way of penetrating through the heart of your lover and it provides them with the everyday drive they need to face the world. At the end of the day, even if they felt like nobody loves them or care about what they did, at least they’d know their partner is ever there to show how loving he/she is by loving them.
19. Sincerity Matters
One of the marriage lessons I have learned these years is to be sincere. People in sincere relationships are honest and open with each other; sharing themselves, their feelings, and thoughts.
They don’t play mind games or say one thing and mean the other. They tell you how it is with them, even when it’s inconvenient, or a painful truth.
However, they do this with lovingly. This in-turn fosters trust and helps a spouse feel secure in their partner’s love and you experience peace and freedom. So, it would be wise to employ sincerity, and openness in this first year of your marriage, since it leads to trust and trust is a solid foundation for marriage relationships.
20. Prayer Can Help You Both
Prayer means talking to God. It is truly powerful and a source of unending strength. It forms a strong bond between you and your significant other; as you pray and come to an agreement on matters that discipline then builds unity and strength in your marriage, and makes it easier for you to discern God’s will for you as a couple.
It keeps you humbled; hand-in-hand, quiet, focused, on your knees with heads bowed which keeps you in a position of openness and humility. It’s hard to be judgemental and argumentative when you’re in that stance.
Be thankful for everything that you have been given. Thank God for ordering your lives in such a way, that you came together exactly when you did, and for where you are now, even in the midst of difficulties.
Thank Him for all the victories he gave you. This will only bring miraculous results as you allow HIM to work in your marriage and family.
Final Thoughts On Marriage Lessons From My First Year
Woohoo! That was such a long ride on marriage lessons. Thanks for still staying with me! With the above marriage lessons listed, I hope you gain some knowledge on how to better go through these tough times in your first year.
Just to add, a lasting relationship is possible with your love, understanding, determination, and hard work. So, make it work.
Also, don’t forget to leave me a comment below. What other marriage lessons have you learned that you would like to share? As you continue on your journey in marriage, check out How To Be A Better Wife And 12 Best Ted Talks On Marriage. Keep spreading love until I come your way again. Ciao!
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